NYE 2009

Well, for one, I resolve to not drunk blog on Christmas Eve anymore. I thought about taking the last post down, but decided against it since the thoughts were there and valid and real. I could correct the typos, since I only very fuzzily recall writing the last few paragraphs. We'll see if I get to it, eh?

To recap when more sober and clearly with better perspective, I suppose I am not dealing well with the upcoming transitions that the people I care about in my life are going through right now. It's not so much that I feel as if I'm missing the boat as I feel that the boat is leaving with me on it way before I'm ready.

However, I hereby vow to be kind and graceful when I need to this year. When so much is up in the air with my own future, I know that regardless of what lies ahead for my loved ones, they will need to lean on me - and I on them. I only hope that I am able to support when called upon and have those to call upon when I am in need.

Perhaps I should explain, as modestly as possible, the feeling that overtakes me when I think about those I've spent time with growing up taking on the lives of our mothers and fathers. Marriage, children, mortgages, corporate jobs - I suppose it makes me yearn for bare feet and freshly cut grass, for endless summer nights and long winter days spent inside in front of the television. For running buddies.

As soon as another one of my loved ones decides to tackle the task of growing up and settling down, it means one less compadre for me. And while I wish them all well and wish to keep up with their lives, there becomes evident a great divide between those who have and those who have not yet begun the process. Another creak sounds as the water of a lake settles into its glassy surface of ice for winter.

I am not equipped to handle these transitions. How do I talk someone through the fears of having their first child? How do I council someone who is making preparations for their wedding? And why does it seem as if everything in my life is prioritized just under these momentous events? And why do I as yet have no real desire for settling down?

I guess I can only promise to handle all the snags I know are down the line with as much honesty and tact as possible. I'm rolling up my sleeves, 2009. And I'm ready to get to work.

Happy New Year's!

Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire

Christmas Eve, 2008. Amazing!

I guess I just never really thought that it would be Christmas this way. I read about the impending depression in the SF Chronicle while sipping my tea (yes, I've given up coffee) and am making homemade gifts since I'm unemployed. I think it's interesting to note that the depression (and, yes, I'm making it a point to call it that 6 months earlier than the standard news outlets) has yet to hit the rest of my family in quite the same way as it has me. Granted, I'm the only one without a job. But at least my cousin and my parents are privy to what is happening in the world around them. I'm terrified for my sister and brother-in-law. No one has let them know that they are not in England in 2007 anymore. They're smart enough. They'll adapt.

More to the point. Marriage. Settling down. Babies. There has been a lot of this as of late. And I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. On the one hand, I'm perfectly capable of celebrating all of the above with perfect social tact. On the other, however, I'm shaking in my boots. And I'm struggling to understand where my non-stereotypical ass falls into the standard early 30's life crisis bullshit. Because I don't want to settle down right now. And I don't hear my maternal clock ticking or whatever the fuck it is.

But I do note that my sister and my mother and my married friends all asking the same questions. "Who are you dating?" (No one.) "What are you doing with your life?" (Nothing, yet.) "Let's talk about your relationships!" (No, thanks.)

And I w0nder, my friends. Will I be subject to these questions from now until the fateful day when I announce my wedding? Will all of my settled acquaintances continue to ask when I'll be catching up to them?

If so, I don't know if I can handle it. How sad does it sound to say that I'm existing happily by a pretty awesome thread of independence, but that this is being challenged by the very women who make me who I am today? What is it about married women than turns them into bad friends who ask too many loaded questions? Do I really have to look forward to endless inquiries about my love life for the next 10+ years while I attend baby showers and weddings? Fucking kill me now.

But I am getting all too bah-humbug for Christmas Eve. I'm going to be an Auntie in 9 months and perhaps I'll actually have a job to match the title. I love my family and I pretty much can't complain about my life. So let's see if I can rise above and bullshit my way through the next decade.

Merry Christmas, people. Feliz Navidad. And whatnot.

I'm back - I think.

Oh, blog, it's been so long. And if I have any foreshadowing into my immediate future, I think I'll be back more frequently than I have been in the last few months.

I admit, I was pretty much comatose from working a shitty job and pretending it didn't bother me. It might have even been the "I can totally rock a douchey marketing job and schmooze with asshole fuckwads all day" that sapped the remains of my inspiration.

Ugh.

I'm back. It was a bad time. And as stressed as I am about not having an income or health insurance for the indeterminate future, I've never felt as alive as I do now.

Right now? Everything I do in a day is for me. I place tasks on a list of priorities and they are all about my own personal development. Modest Mouse never hit it so cleanly as when they sang, in cracking vibratto, "Gotta go to work, gotta go to work, gotta have a job."

I think I was designed to not work. I hate to sound bourgeoisie, but I have the means and education to rock being unemployed and artsy for a year. So fuck going to the same bullshit job everyday and holding meetings where you are too involved in some petty office procedural dispute everyday. Yes, it's nice that there is order there. Yes, it's interesting to think about how things work within a group of disparate individuals all cooped up in a jungle of grey walls all day. Yes, benefits and a steady paycheck are nice. Too nice, holmes.

I spent too much time working for companies that could give a shit about my personal growth, and I'm done being underpaid and overfed with those jobs. I feel like the corporate life covers your entire world in the kind of clear scum you would find on an alien corpse. The kind of film that, upon any brief contact, sticks to your fingers and casts an oozey web of clear scum between your outstreached digits. Gross. And hard to toss off.

Imagine years of that film being all over you and then suddenly it's gone. The kind of ease of movement you are suddenly able to perform. It's amazing, and I hope it lasts for a while.

I just read the most amazing poem, and also had a very intense conversation with a close friend, and then contemplated the ways in which our lives are transacted over the internet. It's been a long day.